Blog Interview Project LIVE!

I recently participated in a blog interview project and met a wonderful friend named Kristine.  Below you will find the questions I asked her and her answers.  If you want to see more of Kristine and her family you can check her blog out at www.ataleofthesetwo.blogspot.com .  Scroll all the way down to see my answers to the questions she asked me.

1.  How did you deal with the wait from when you decided to adopt till your first child came home?
We spent it filled with distractions. We did what we could to stay busy. We went on vacations. Lots of date nights. Hobbies. Whatever sounded fun! It was hard to be too busy though, because we didn't dare leave anywhere for more than a couple days "just in case" we got word.

2.  In your blog you shared that your family and your first child's birth family all meet, can you share more about what that was like and did anything "unexpected" happen?It was really good. It was good for our families to know each other so both sides would feel more comfortable with each other and there not being so many unknowns and faceless people.

3.  How do you find time to run 5 5k's in a year with all the training when you have two young children at home?
Honestly - a sacrifice of sleep. I get up at 6am each morning (when the kiddos are still asleep) to work out and run with my brother-in-law who helps keeps me motivated. My husband is very supportive and we like to be active and healthy. When I actually run the races, they are there cheering me on at the finish line. I feel it's important to take care of yourself so you can better take care of your kids.

4.  What was your feelings (at the time) when your first adoption prospect choose another family to adopt her baby?
Heartbreak. Times two because it was twins. We let our hopes get too high (big mistake!) and that meant we had further to fall. It was a learning experience, but I'm not going to lie - it was one of the most difficult times of our lives. We felt more alone in our empty house than ever before.

5.  Were you reluctant to give out to many details, about your adoption process, with your family for fear another birth mom would change her mind? 
Yes and no. With our close family, they know EVERYTHING. It's meant a lot to have their support through everything. It’s very important to have a support group. It can be difficult though when the rollercoaster gets them down too though. With others around us and friends we only shared, on occasion, general updates. And, to protect ourselves from having to tell even more people when things didn't work out. We'd learned a lot about that from infertility. We told everyone when we were doing IVF. When it didn't work, that was a lot of people asking if it did, and that made us have to go through it over and over.  

6. Since your second child was several months old when you first brought him home, was the transition into your family difficult for him? or for you guys?  Was is difficult when he missed his birth family?  How did you handle this?

It was difficult in some ways, and easy as pie in others. He adjusted really well at first. We took a little bit longer. I believe some of that was just adjusting to 2, more so. We often show him photos of his birth family and he seems to handle things well. We see them every so often too, so he is transitioning well.

7.  What is the best thing about parenting your children?

Them. They are the best part about it. They are such cuties! My daughter has such a bold personality and is so loving and sweet and kind. I can already tell, that she’s going to be the type of person that I want to be when I grow up! My son is such a sweet boy. He loves animals, loves to be just like his sister and is my little mini-me. He follows me everywhere around the house and wants to be involved. I love everything about these two little ones that I get to call my kids. I love being a mom. I love doing all the mommy things like singing silly songs, reading books, playing games, etc. I love poopy diapers. I really do. Means things are working right! J

8. What do you think might be difficult to explain to your children one day?

Honestly, I don’t know yet. They both know (though they don’t understand yet) their adoption stories and we won’t keep any secrets from them. I’m sure things will come up, but I’m not really worried – we’ll just take them as they come and deal with anything difficult the best we can.

9.  Why did you choose open adoption?

For a few reasons – but the biggest one being for our kids. We’ve done our homework and seen/read/learned the benefits for adoptees. It’s what’s best for them. As long as they are the focus of the adoption, it will all work out. We want our kids to have confidence in where they came from. They’ll know their branches well – and they’ll also know of their roots. Of course, openness is a large spectrum and we are on the conservative side, we still have a lot of interaction and keep in touch through e-mail/phone/mail.

10.  How difficult was it to let go of the idea of biological children and move to adoption?

For me it was easier than it was for my husband. I’ve wanted to adopt my entire life. Since I was way too little to really understand. My parents took in expectant mothers (who became Birth Mothers) who had been “kicked out” of their parent’s homes and sent away. They helped them through the pregnancy and were with some during delivery if the parents still didn’t come. My family has a love for Birth Mothers and I believe that’s where mine started. My husband was on the fence for a while. He was fine with adoption, but wasn’t ready to let go of trying to have biological children at first. He didn’t want to go down another path just yet. When I was away on a business trip for a few days, some events happened that changed his heart. He finally believed that he would love an adopted child just as he would have a biological one. He laughs now at how he worried back then – because he now feels that since he was so worried about that he has tried even harder with our kids than he might have with biological. It took so much to get these little ones here. It’s something we actively worked at to make sure we gave them all the love we have.

11.  Do you feel you love your adopted children differently than you would a biological child?

Since I do not have biological children, I don’t really know this answer, but I don’t believe I would love my sweeties any differently than I do now. I love them so much! Sometimes the love is so overwhelming that in just a conversation with my husband about how much I love them, I tear up. Makes me understand more of the love my parents must have for me!

12. What is the best advice you can give someone who is just beginning the adoption journey?

Patience. So much easier said than done. Also, decide the openness level you want, and maybe stretch just a little bit more. Then, be firm about it. If you meet Birth Parents that want things more open than you are willing, then they aren’t the Birth Parents for you, and you aren’t the couple for them. Don’t let things just be ‘up in the air” about openness as either side’s feelings may change after placement and if it’s not firm, it may get pushed around. Also, keep your relationship with your spouse as number one. Keep open conversation. Respect and try to understand each other’s feelings constantly. Go on your date nights!

13.  Do you think you will adopt again?

Yes! We want to for sure. We’d love to be a family of 6 (4 kids) ideally. We are hopeful that will happen!

14.  Did the cost of adoption overwhelm you?

Yes. Not sure if anything else needs to be said! J With options available to us for our kids’ adoptions, it was more affordable. Our next adoptions will likely be more $$ and a little more overwhelming!

15.  Why did you choose domestic adoption over international?

We felt this was the best option for us. We aren’t opposed to international, but so much of it seems scary as we just don’t know a lot about it. We chose domestic due to cost and timing also. The agency we wanted only does domestic as well, do we didn’t look into it too much.

16.  Why did you choose to blog about adoption?

I struggled a lot with ‘navigating the waters of open adoption’ when we first adopted our daughter. I felt alone in many of the struggles we were going through. Others (from all sides of adoption) that blog about it have helped me and I want to pay it forward in hopes that it will help others!

17.  What is the biggest dream in your life that you are still trying to accomplish?

Hmm… I’m not completely sure what my answer is here. What’s most important to me – therefore probably my biggest dream I’m trying to accomplish would be that my kids grow up to be confident, happy adults that are contributing members of society. I hope they are hard workers and that we can always be good examples of that to them so they will be.

18.  What has been the best thing about adoption for you and your family?

Dreams coming true!

My Answers:

1.  How has the infertility issues you have dealt with affected you faith?   I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that some days my faith struggled.  Some times it was really hard to believe that my dreams of being a mommy would come true.  Over all though (as strange as it may seem) my faith actually was stronger during the really hard times.  I think that is because I had to hang on to God and my dream.  When know one else, including my husband could make things better all I was left with was my faith.  It was those times when I felt my faith was the strongest.  Actually now that I have had my prayers answered I often find myself not leaning on my faith as much.  When life is going good it’s easy to get caught up in “life” and put you faith aside.  But when things are tough we grab hold of that faith and cling tight.  I think that is one of the most beautiful things with my fertility issues.

2.  No that you have 2 children through adoption, does it make your infertility pain less?  Yes and No.  When we moved from infertility treatments to the adoption process I was very excited, but I also had a time of grieving.  We had to end one chapter of our journey and move to the next chapter.  We often said that maybe some day we would go back to fertility treatments but for now we were moving onto adoption.  Honestly though, I knew that my fertility journey was over.  I truly believe that I will never be a biological mother.  I don’t mean that to be depressing, I have come to terms with this. I also don’t believe that this makes me less of a mom to my girls.  I know with out a doubt I love them just as much as I would love a biological child.  I spend a lot of time working with women who I refer to as “mommies in the waiting”.  These women are right in the middle of the journey I have already walked.   I feel like if I were to become a biological mom my ministry to them would not be as effective.  Even after adopting I have forgotten some of the pain of being “in the waiting”.  I just don’t feel like I could relate to these women as closely if I were a biological mother.   I have completely come to accept this but sometimes I do get a little sad about not being able to carry a child term and give birth to them.  We have never (and probably never will) done anything to prevent pregnancy but I know it’s not in my future, but more adoptions may be!  So to answer the questions I came to terms with my infertility issues before I adopted my children, but yes having children and being out of  “the waiting” does make it easier to deal with.

3.   Having dealt with failed placements, how did that affect your meeting of your first birth mother?  One of the most common things we heard from our agency about the birth moms that we were working with was, they were wonderful, planning on going to college, and making a difference in the world.  This was no different when we got the call about our first daughters birth mother.  Because of the disappointments of the past my first reaction was “yeah right, I’ve heard all this before.”  But at the advice of our adoption agency we tried hard not to let our past disappointments cause us to judge the new opportunities.  So we went to our first meeting with as positive of an attitude as we could.  It didn’t take long after meeting our daughter’s birth mom to know she was the one!  I remember leaving the meeting and saying to our casework, she’s going to do this.  She’s really going to do this!  We had such a good meeting and connected with her so well that we knew without a doubt she was the one!  If it hadn’t been for the previous failed placements I probably wouldn’t have been so sure of this.

4.  What is the best thing about parenting your children?  My girls have the best personality.  I have always been a little shy.  I love that my girls are so outgoing and love people.  My oldest daughter makes friends wherever see goes.  Of course being so outgoing comes with a little embarrassment but it’s all worth it knowing they won’t struggle with shyness.  I love being able to do things with my girls that I have dreamed of for so long, like going to the zoo, going to the library, reading books, shopping, and just cuddling and singing songs together!  Being a parent is everything I dreamed it would be and more.  It was worth all the pain and heartache to bring these two girls home! 

5.  Looking back, is there something in your adoption journey you would choose to do differently?  This is such a hard questions to answer because doing something differently might have not led me to my girls.   And I can’t imagine my life without them.   It took us a long to time to realize that we were suppose to do domestic adoption over international.  Probably would have been nice to get on the right track faster, but I had to wait on my girls. Our adoption agency has a motto “We are going to help you find the children you are meant to raise” and I believe that is exactly what happened.   One thing for sure I could have done different was have a better attitude about things.  I wear my emotions on my sleeves.  During our journey I went though some very depressing times and many people felt like they were walking on eggshells around me.  It wasn’t really fair of me to be so sensitive towards things they meant to help me.  If you have walked or are walking though this journey you know how hard that is.  Most of the people trying to help don’t have any understanding of what you are going though and already have children.  They mean well but often you end up more hurt and discouraged.  I wish I would have given my friends and family a little break on some of this.

6.  What has been the most unexpected thing about adoption for you and your family?  Without a doubt it is the relationship with our birth families.  When we entered the adoption process we were “afraid” of the birth mom.  We didn’t want anyone else involved.  That is the main reason we went for international adoption.  When all the doors closed for us internationally and we moved to domestic adoption it was actually going to be a closed adoption with some levels of openness and maybe complete openness when we felt comfortable (How selfish! I know.).  It didn’t take us long to realize the blessings that birth families could bring to our children and even to us!  Our first adoption didn’t start out as open and our birth mom was completely of with that.  After we adopted our second child in a completely open adoption we completely opened up our fist daughters adoption.

7.  Why did you choose open adoption?  In a way we didn’t choose it, it choose us.  But I don’t regret it for one second.  My husband was adopted at birth.  Although he always new he was adopted he never knew anything about his birth family.  When he was 33 years old he decided to try to find his birth family.  Since it was a private adoption and he had his birth mother’s full name, it was actually very easy to find them.  We know have an extended family and love it.  He has meet his birth mom and dad, some aunts and uncles, grandparents, and siblings.  When we looked back at this situations and how it has helped my husband we knew that our girls would need this too.  Not only do we try to do regular visit with our birth mothers and sometimes other family members, we take LOTS of pictures of them and I journal as much as I can so my girls can have all the memories they want one day.  My husband’s adopted mom said one time that she was happy that he got to meet them but she was still his mother! Now they have all actually meet and everyone gets along great!  But as an adoptive mom I can understand why she felt a little threatened about the birth mom.  I think that is even another reason why I love open adoption.  I meet my girl’s birth moms even before they did.  I don’t ever have to feel threatened by them, they are just part of our family.

8.  Do you plan on adopting again?  If so, will those adoptions be open also? And, if so do you worry about managing that many relationships?  I hope so!  I keep having these dreams about a little boy who needs a family.  In the dream we don’t get him at birth like the girls but he is in desperate need of a loving family.  It may be just a dream, but maybe there is something to it.  The cost of adoption is going to prevent us from adopting as quickly as before.  We are working hard at getting out of debt so we are not limited on the future possibilities.  I don’t think our next adoption will be international.  We kind a feel led to take care of the babies right here in our own country.  Although I do think international adoption is a beautiful thing!  We have many friends who have adopted internationally.  It just seems like our calling is to stay in the US for now.  But we want to be open to whatever comes our way!

Yes we would do open adoption again, if the situation allows it we will keep it open.  We have considered foster to adopt and sometimes in those cases the courts don’t allow the birth parents around the children, but other wise yet, it will be open. 

Another open adoption does mean another family to visit.  And with all the family we already have that could be difficult with visit. But we will do the best we can.  Sending letters, pictures, video shouldn’t be to difficult adding another children.  I enjoy gather up things for a package to send to our birth moms. 

9.  What is the best thing about your relationships with both your daughter’s birth parents?  Since my daughters are African American I love learning about the black culture.  Where we live there are very few different races.  Honestly in the beginning we were very concerned about this but our community of family and friends have embraced our children with so much love and acceptance.  But now matter how hard we try we are all still white and as my girls grow up they will notice differences.  So I love going to places where I am the minority.  Visiting our birth families is often like that for us.  They are all very loving and accepting of us too.  But they have taught us so much.  I love their honesty.  My oldest daughter’s birth mom holds nothing back, if she doesn’t like how I’ve done her hair she lets me know.  It’s hard to take at first but she just wants the best for her just like I do.  We have actually become very close with my youngest daughter’s birth family and really enjoy our visits with them.  She has 2 other children that my girls love to go visit and play with.  They really are like an extended family to us.

10.  What things do you worry about the most when your girls are older?  WOW, this is something I haven’t thought a lot about right now.  I am spending so much time enjoying the moment with them.  It’s silly but I do worry about their hair and make up as they get older.  Will I be able to help them with that or help the find the resources to help them feel beautiful in themselves.  I worry a little how I will begin to answer the questions on our differences as they start to notice them?  I worry about how I will show them the best of their birth families.  I want them to always know that their birth families love them and they choose adoption because they love them so much.  They believe it was the best plan they could make for their life.  I don’t ever want them to feel like they were “given up”.  Their birth moms have a greater love than anyone I know! 

11,  Do you ever get overwhelmed with the adoption world.  Sometimes I guess I do.  I am part of an adoption support group.  I really like being about of it, but sometimes it makes me more worried about my girls future. Many of the women in the group are dealing with children that are having really bad issues that sometimes come along with adopted children.  Some of them were adopted at birth.  When I see my girls act out I worry if it’s just being a child or are they going to have some of these issues.  I feel like I need to step back some and get a grip.  I also don’t want to focus so much on adoption it makes my girls think they are different.  I want them to feel chosen and special but not different.  I know some of that can’t be prevented but I think focusing on differences to much probably isn’t a good thing.  Accepting differences is different than focusing on them and accepting I believe is ok and good.

12.  What is the biggest dream of your life that you are still trying to accomplish?  I almost hate to answer this because if I make it public and it doesn’t happen I don’t want to feel like I failed. One thing that I remember when I was “in the waiting” was that is was so difficult to find books about infertility or adoption.  I wanted to read someone else’s story to find encouragement in it.  I love to read and I felt like reading sometimes would help me keep moving forward and not give up.  So I have a dream of taking my journey though infertility and adoption and putting it in a book for other women to find encouragement while they go through their journey.  But it’s a little bigger than that.  My dream also includes bookstore actually putting it on their shelf!  I have learned now that there are several book out there to help someone on this journey but for some reason they are just hard to find.  This is kind of why I choose to start my blog.  It seemed a little easier then just sitting down to write a book.  I do plan to write this book.  Whether it’s a book from me and my friends and family or whether it’s for the world I don’t know, but I’m not going to give up on the dream.  One of the things that make me so sad it when someone gives up on their dream to be a parent.  Our adoption agency once said sometimes it does take awhile to place a child with an adoptive family but the only family they can’t place with is the family who gives up.  I would love for my book to be the motivation that keeps someone moving forward in their journey and to not give up on their dreams!

13.  What has been the best thing about adoption for you and your family?  Looking back and watching all of our dreams come true!  And being completely amazed how there was such a purpose in the pain that we went though!

14.  What advice do you have for people who are in the throws of infertility trying to decide if they should stick with that or change paths to adoption?  DON’T GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS.  Be open to all ways you can parent a child.  I have seen miracles with fertility treatments and I have seen miracles with a changed attitude about adoption.  Everyone gets there in their own time and their own way.  Don’t let the “wait” bring you down.  Keep waking up every day and fighting through your pain.  Your journey is going to bring you lots of twist and turns and you will have so many decisions to make.  There is no wrong answers.  Always, Always have an open mind.  Just because you go check out an adoption seminar doesn’t mean you are bound to adopt.   It never hurts to get educated on every opportunity you could have to be a parent.  I am certainly not going to be one of those people who say just adopt then you get pregnant.  Because that’s not why we adopt.  It almost feels like the people who say that think about is your second choice and you’ll be truly happy once you have a biological child.  Maybe it is the second choice you tried but you will soon find out it is the only choice you want!  And if biological children do come later than what a blessing they will be, but both children will be love the same!

15.  What advice do you have for those who are just starting in the adoption world?  Don’t be afraid.  Go into with an open mind know that situations change, circumstances, change.  Don’t hold any of your past hurts against agency’s, birth families, or caseworkers.  They are there to help you and everyone really does have the child’s best interest in mind.  If you are choosing domestic adoption choose an agency who LOVES their birth moms.  Choose one who places their birth moms at a higher priority than even you.  That may seem strange but if they care for their birth moms not only will they care for that baby and for you but they are not just a business, not just in it for the money.  They are in it because they care about people and helping people choose what is the best thing for their family.  Lastly, know there is a plan in your pain.  Know that you are going to find the child you are meant to raise!

16.  Do you ever see yourself doing infertility treatments and such again?  No, we have found the path we are meant to take in this world.  The only way we will try to add to our family is through adoption.

17.  Do you feel you and your husband’s relationship is stronger now than what it would be now had you not had to go though any difficulty getting your children to you?  Without doubt!  Marriage is hard in itself sometimes and statistics are not good when you bring a hardship into the marriage.  We made a commitment right in the start that no matter what we are in this together, forever.  We worked hard and keeping the lines of communication constantly open.  That is not to say that we didn’t argue about decision that needed to be made regarding this or fight when we found out one of us knew someone was pregnant and we didn’t tell the other person.  We had our fair share of fights (and we still do) but we always found a way to sit down after we had calmed down and talk it out.  We never wanted this to tear us apart.  Our goal was to remain a family no matter what!  And I love how much closer we are because of it. 

18.  Have your girls asked any difficult questions yet that you don’t know how to answer?  Do you worry about that?  My girls are to young to ask hard questions yet.  I know that time is coming and yes I worry about how I will answer them.  I know that my oldest daughter does notice a difference between us already but she has quite put it together.  Whenever she sees a black family she will often say the names of her birth family.  So I can tell that she associates their skin colors but funny thing is I’m not sure she knows she also has that skin color yet.  I know when she discovers that there will be some questions.  I have bought a few children’s books to read to her to help with this.  I heard my husband’s aunt one time giving some parenting advice to my sister in law.  Since none of their children are adopted It didn’t really have to do with adoption but I still think I may use it.  She said that when see feels her children are to young to hear or learn about something they ask her about she says to them “that’s not something I think someone your age should know about yet, when you are older and I feel you are ready we will talk about it then.”  I certainly don’t want to hide any of my child’s adoption story from her and we do openly talk about things with them even at this young age, but some things will be better off saved for later. 

19.  How do you families adjust to adoption?  Has anyone else in your families adopted?  Very well.  My husband was adopted and so were his two other siblings.  So his family was already well experienced in this before I came along.  Although their adoptions were not open they all knew they were adopted.  I have two different aunts and uncles that have adopted one child each (so I have two adopted cousins).  My family has been very supportive as well.  As a precautionary I did ask some of my family to not answer the girls questions about their birth parents.  I told them to send them to me or my husband.  We would like to be the ones to answer any questions.  Mainly, because we have the most accurate details.  We don’t tell everything about our girls story to everyone so not every knows and we want to make sure that their birth families are talked about well.

20.  What type of open adoption do you have with each family?  Our oldest daughter started out closed with levels of openness.  We agreed to send letter, pictures, etc.., and do visits at the agency.  We did have a big birthday party at the agency with lots of her birth family members.  Circumstances don’t allow us to see them as often as we like.  So we often show her pictures of them and pray for them in our bed time prayers.  Since our second daughters adoption I have shared my cell phone number with our first daughters birth mom so she can call me directly to set up visits so we no longer have to use the agency.  I also do a blog (www.princessbelleena.blogspot.com) to help keep her up to date more currently.  She also has our email address.  Our second daughters adoption is fully open.  She knows where we live our last names, everything.  She’s actually my facebook friend too.  I’m sure as I communicate more with our first daughters mom it will become more like this.  There is no real reason for the differences except experience.  It was basically fear that kept us from opening the first one like we did the second. Time and experience has changed that for us.

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 http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/2011/11/interview-project-november-2011.html